Surrendering Your License

[Dara]

I was going to start a thread about whether or not elderly drivers should be tested to retain their drivers' licenses (currently under debate here), and I still might. But my interest in the topic is spurred by my own situation and I'm starting there. I'm about to voluntarily surrender my drivers' license. For the past couple of years, I've been driving less and less, and only after putting myself through a routine that ensured I was fit, that day, to get behind the wheel. (I've got a variety of medical issues) My doctors were all confident that was enough. So was I. I knew I was good at assessing myself, and wasn't driving that often anyway. But I could get to the grocery store and library easily on good days.

Then one day in June, I drove a short distance and someone cut me off. For a split second, I didn't know what to do. Just for the tiniest fraction of a second, I couldn't have told you I was in a car or that it had brakes or what a brake was. (There's some processing thing I have that makes me do things like put toothpaste on my toothbrush, then for a split second, not have any idea what to do, or get grounds and water in the coffee pot then stare at it for a tiny moment until I know to hit the on button--but we thought it was only when I was standing and related to the hypotension/autonomic failure. The time in the car was the first time it happened--that I am aware of--when I was sitting). It passed almost immediately, and I didn't hit the car, but it was the last time I drove.

I loved loved loved driving. I never minded traffic, I loved road trips, I never felt more free than behind the wheel. I'm going to miss the hell out of it, but I'm not in the least tempted to get behind the wheel. I'm seeing my neurologist and my PCP in the next two weeks and when I tell them what happened, I'm pretty sure they'd have to report it to the state anyway, but I am going to voluntarily surrender the license. I could pass a road test and I could just not tell my doctors about the episode, but I'm going to give up the privilege of driving. I'm lucky enough to live in a place with great public transportation, the best husband ever, good friends, and a disabled shared-ride service. I'm at peace with the decision and the reality but a little sad. Ok, more than a little. I am trying to rehearse going to the RMV to actually, physically hand over the license and get a state ID card. I do NOT want to go there and cry. I want to be happy that I did the right thing.

Know anyone who's surrendered their license? Or should but won't, like my ancient neighbor? Would you do it?

[Rapaz]

I can only hope that when I get to the point of needing to surrender my license, I am as honest and clear about it as you are. I have elderly relatives who just won't stop driving, no matter how many accidents they cause, and it's awful. I also have an elderly neighbor who was forced to give up her license recently, and although she was really angry at first, she admits to being much happier and relaxed now. I think she didn't want to give up Driving-as-a-state-of-being, but was happy to not be driving, if that makes sense.

[Amelia]

No anecdotes, just admiration for your candor and self-awareness.

[Kethrai]

My grandmother happily surrendered hers; macular degeneration made her very nervous on the road.

OTOH, the whole family had to gang up on LS's grandmother to make her stop driving.

Hugs, honey, it's hard.

[julie r]

No anecdotes, just admiration for your candor and self-awareness.

Indeed.

[manatee]

What they said. And Rapaz. All my respect.

I would like to think I'd make that decision - but I think it's also different because I live in a city and a society that isn't as built around cars as many in the US are.

[Niki]

My Uncle needs to give his up and he won't. He's 80 now. Only it's not his age causing the problems it's the stroke he had a few years back which is. My stepmum followed him up to the Lexus dealer for a tune up. She insisted she would follow him. Watching him drive (or not drive) scared her to death and she's glad she didn't get into the car with him. The thinking is he hasn't said anything to his doctor's about driving and won't give up his license until it's time for renewal.

[themis]

I guess I don't see why you would have to go hand it to them and have to feel all maudlin about it. There isn't an online option? Here, you can always request a duplicate license online, and you would just check the box that you want a state id rather than driver's license, and they pop it in the mail to you. Or, why not have a non-driving ceremony, decide that this is the time to hand in your keys, mourn or ritualize as appropriate, and just keep the license.

I hug you, too. Driving symbolizes escape and freedom for many of us. Maybe we can find a different activity and make that your symbolic escape -- substitute another pleasurable activity. Don't think of it as reduced circumstances, just altered.

[Dara]

Thank you for the responses. We have a neighbor who should not be driving and various neighbors are starting to talk about doing something on our own, since the man's wife talks freely about his dementia, his confusion, his inability to do the things around the house, then waves as he drives off alone. We just really found out about the dementia and thought that meant he was done driving, but there he went when we were all out talking on the sidewalk.

Themis, I'm really not maudlin. I think I'm appropriately sad, but overall, ok about it. But yes, I have to go in person because I need to replace the license with a state ID card and you actually have to turn in the license. I verified this by phone. I wasn't going to have some big ceremony but I know from other milestones like this, such as doing my interview for social security disability, it can be emotional. I can think I'm prepared and still, when it comes down to the act of terminating something I thought I'd be doing a lot longer, I can get teary. But it doesn't last long.

But you and I are on the same wavelength, because when I realized my driving days were over, the first thing I did was plan an "adventure," which was getting myself somewhere I'd never been on the commuter rail, which feels more like a real train than the subway (there are luggage racks and conductors come around to punch your ticket and bellow the stops). I had a nice little trip out of town (well, still the Boston suburbs, but it felt like I got away) and it was wonderful. And then I looked at all the places I had still been driving to, and found ways to get to almost all of them. I have to be creative, but I like that. When I'm in problem-solving mode, I'm happy.

[Cerberus]

Kudos to you Dara for sticking with an honest self-assessment despite the inconvenience that will result.

In his early seventies, my paternal grandfather just decided one day to go into town and surrender his license at the DMV/post office (really small town). There hadn't been any accidents or close calls, but his stamina and energy were declining and he recognized that he just wasn't able to meet safe driving standards any more. He was fine in the farmland area where he lived which was all country roads where maybe a car or two would pass by every five minutes, but if there were more than two lanes and any real traffic at all he was having trouble keeping up with the changing situation around him. He was at the point where he'd avoid driving into town unless someone was with him.

Many seniors wait until there's an incident, or else wait until they can no longer pass their (yearly after a certain age, I think) renewal tests. My Dad really respected and admired the way he made his decision without having to be pressured into it.

[Corinne]

Dara, a lot more admiration for your decision.

The only situation I know of where someone had to surrender the ability to drive was with my Grandpa, whose behavior and lack of skills got so freaky that my mother had to go to his house and physically take his keys. Later he called my parents to ask when she was going to give them back; luckily, that same degree of befuddlement prevented him from thinking of calling someone to get a new key cut. Unfortunately, it also precluded his adopting your elegant solution of investigating alternative modes of travel-- if he could no longer navigate the three blocks to the grocery store safely, there was no way he was going to figure out the bus system. It really was a small tragedy for him because it underscored his isolation and inability to function in the world at large.

[Maggi]

Here, you can always request a duplicate license online, and you would just check the box that you want a state id rather than driver's license, and they pop it in the mail to you.

As far as I can tell, few states make anything surrounding driving (license, registration, title, etc) as easy and convenient as Arizona, themis.

Yeah, State of Pennsylvania, that's YOU I'm givin' the stink-eye.


Dara, I've only had to deal with this situation with one family member (so far). We never made my paternal grandmother turn in her license, but Da told her she had to stop driving after a couple incidents that occurred when she was driving me (then 14 years old) to appointments. On one occasion, she went through a stop sign-- coming out of a small, hard-to-see side street and crossing straight over one of the busiest streets in my area. We were lucky there was no traffic at that moment. A few weeks later, she steered through a long curve just a bit too tightly -- we ended up with both passenger-side wheels up on the curb and, when we came off the curb at the end of the curve, she said, "My! What a bump!" There's a fine line between peeing yourself laughing and peeing yourself out of fear. (Note: the curb was separating the shoulder of the road from a parking lot that was, at that time, not being used. No pedestrians were endangered.)

Luckily, my Nana was the sort of woman who was used to looking to the men in her life for guidance -- after my Pop-Pop died, that would be my Da. She seemed relieved to be informed that she was done driving, and my parents took turns getting her places, as did my older brother and I once we each got our driver's licenses.

It will be interesting to see what happens as my Mom ages. I don't think she'll be nearly so meek about it; she's fiercely independent, and likes being able to take off and run around on her own schedule, whether it's just around town or driving up to Maine to spend a couple weeks with friends, as she did in August. We're something of a road-trip family, and I spent my summers going pretty much anywhere between Nova Scotia and Florida and back to home base in PA, so I can sympathize with mourning the loss of that control and freedom.

[celiathepoet]

This thread was on my mind today as I followed an older lady driving 20mph and randomly stopping mid-block for no reason I could see. Then, on the highway, I was behind an old man who was only going 45 in a 55 zone, and I couldn't get up enough speed to get out from behind him for ages.

I was with my elderly mom today, who never liked to drive, and noted that she just has her NYS ID card; I don't know when she gave up her license but it is one less thing for me to worry over.

[MissAmy]

Dara, I have a question for you - why do you have to surrender your licence at all? Why not just stop driving and keep it, so that in case there is an emergency and you absolutely have to drive you will be able to? I'm not trying to talk you out of anything, just curious.

My stepgrandmother is dealing with this right now. That woman loves her Cadillacs. Her husband was a car dealer, he started the first luxury car dealership in their area, and they always had amazing cars. (If he were alive today there is no telling what I would have parked outside.) She is very independent and loves to drive and loves her shiny fancy cars, but she is so old that she really shouldn't be doing it anymore. She is teeny tiny, and even when she was still spry seeing over the steering wheel was a challenge. It's just scary at this point. My stepmom went up to visit her a few weeks ago and she insisted on driving. At one point, my stepmother reported that she was doing 25 in a 55. SCARY! It's going to be hell getting her to give up driving, though. I am so glad that I don't have to be a part of that conversation.

[Dara]

Dara, I have a question for you - why do you have to surrender your licence at all? Why not just stop driving and keep it, so that in case there is an emergency and you absolutely have to drive you will be able to? I'm not trying to talk you out of anything, just curious.

That's the mindset I don't understand. No one has to drive. I am unsafe to drive. That doesn't change according to my need/desire to drive. If you knew you were unsafe behind the wheel, what emergency would be enough for you to risk the lives of other people?

And, what besides being able to drive in an emergency, which I won't do, do you see as a reason to keep a license for something you will no longer do?

There are some practical reasons to have the ID instead of the license, but I mostly want to surrender it now because I can't drive anymore. My doctors won't have to report me to the state (which, as I said above, will be a concern for them after this week after I see them). I won't have to go fail the eye exam. I'll just get the (cheaper) ID that I need. I'm not sure why this is something I should avoid.

[Nora_Charles]

Dara, you are good people. I'm sorry you have to give up that sense of freedom, but I can only admire your level-headed judgment.

[Vladimir Estragon]

Speaking of Pennsylvania...my father-in-law was essentially illiterate, and got his driver's license back in the day by sending his brother to take the test for him. He drove until he was in his mid-80s, and he did it just as he did everything else, by trying to piss off as many people as possible in the process. Despite a couple of accidents (which may or may not have been his fault), two heart attacks, and multiple eye surgeries, nobody official ever questioned his ability to drive for a moment, and they definitely should have.

[Nursie]

Here in Seattle I send my patients that have a question [generally a total resistance when it's obvious to the rest of the family] to the occupational therapy folks at University of Washington. They do a driver's test and couch their recommendation in a medical view.